Becoming Tito

 

It’s official.  Tito na ako.  (Well, I have been a Tito three times already but I guess I was still in denial).  Pero one day, naramdaman ko talaga na I’ve capped off my growth spurt when suddenly, out of the blue, while driving on my way home from work, the song Kaba, suddenly played on Spotify.  At ang version ng Kaba na ito ay hindi ‘yung cover ni Carol Banawa.  Ito ‘yung OG version- Tootsie Guevarra in her sweet and sacharrine incarnation of the OPM classic. 

Show of hands here who knows Tootsie.  If you suddenly have a flashback of how annoyingly bubbly she was, then you are welcome to the support group I am organizing- the “Thunders” Anonymous.  I mean, come on, Tootsie Guevarra, you can never be more classic than that (‘s entertainment).    Classic meaning antiquarian.  Ang nakakatawa dito, hindi ko man lang ini-skip ang kanta to the next song but rather, I sang it with so much enthusiasm, completed by the overzealous pagtapik sa manibela at pag tango ng aking ulo, up and down in congruence with the tempo.   I even knew where to place the “ooh-ooh” and the vibrato of certain notes that plagued the entire song. 

Then I just remembered myself hating Tootsie and other OPM songs when I was in my teens.  Isa akong nagpapaka -ipokritong music connoiseur, pretending to like other so called “cool songs” of my adult cousins and relatives, but deep inside I really enjoyed listening to these bakya, jologs, jejemon songs myself. 

Dahil kay Tootsie, na-realize ko na tumatanda na nga ako.  Imagine, I have an OPM channel on my Spotify playlist?  Only Titos have that. 

 

‘Nung bagong salta ako sa Amerika and everytime I would hang out with the other Titos and Titas who were OFWS or spouses of the OFWs (I used to call them TFC subscribers as a collective term, kasi halos lahat may TFC and can relate to watching Santino or Amor Powers), I would always cringe everytime a song would play to the tune of April Boy Regino or (let’s push to somewhere more ancient like) Rey Valera.  I’d pretend that I was not a big fan of this genre of music to the point of me starting to itch for a shower due to my hives kicking in.  I’d fictitiously act as if I did not know the words, feeling a bit classy to not sing along with them.  But no matter how I denied my hidden appreciation for these songs, I could probably join a contest ng fill in the blanks ng mga lyrics ng mga kantang nabanggit.  I even knew the difference between April Boy Regino and The April Boys.  Believe me, they were two different entities at one point.  Oh honey, my love so sweet, I really knew.

 

Ngayon, kung ‘yung younger self ko ay naki-hitch sasasakyan with my older self, I will hate me.  And vice versa.  I will probably sing at the top of my lungs and couldn’t care less what my passenger thinks of my choices in music.  At ang mapanglait kong younger version will probably roast my personality to crunchy pieces with mouthful descriptions of how cheap I am. 

 

I feel old.  I appreciate things that I hated before.  And I don’t give a flying fuck. 

I think the pandemic has made me quit some immature and material things cold turkey.  Wala na akong pakialam ngayon kung umalis ako ng bahay na walang gel ang buhok kasi hindi naman ako makikilala ng tao kung di man ako nagsuklay dahil naka-mask ako.  Wala na din akong pakialam sa amoy ng aking kili-kili basta hindi ako amoy sibuyas or ‘yung amoy ng tipong nagpatintero maghapon sa ilalim ng init ng impyerno.  As long as I am scentless, I am very much okay.  Dati may collection ako ng cologne, pero ngayon, I feel it is very irrelevant, especially that I am in healthcare.  It is an unspoken rule to be scentless if you work in a hospital.  I remember one time, a particular cologne (Nautica, to be specific) triggered an ashtma attack of one of my Tita’s.  Because of extreme guilt, tinapon ko agad ang cologne na ‘yun, or ginamit kong pang-sindi ng uling nung nagbarbecue kami.  At least amoy expensive ang karne, di ba? 

The last time I bought a clothing was almost a year and a half ago.  I feel that there is no sense of dressing up fancy and nice when I know that germs are lingering out in the open.  Wala namang pinipiling designer clothes ang germs or virus kung sino ang kakapitan nila.  And there is no particular occasion that I can think of right now that is worth dressing up to.  I am seriously considering getting plain, unprinted shirts, para hindi ma-judge kung i-replay ko man ang isang damit or hindi.  Ang goal ko lang naman ay basta malabhan ng maigi.  But then again, I should not give a fuck if I do.  And I have to learn not to worry myself of being judged because I should not care.  And replaying clothes seem so unhygienic these days to begin with.  Bawal na ang Side A and Side B. 

 

Nakakatanda talaga ‘tong pandemic na ito.  Pero in a way, it has placed so many things into perspective.  Tinuruan n’ya akong hindi maging materialistic, and to appreciate things that I have often overlooked in my life.  I can easily distinguish what I need versus what I want. 

I have reached the Stage 6 of Eriksson’s psychocial development kasi nag-iiba na ang mga priorities ko.  Mas gusto ko na lang mag-pirmi sa bahay, manood ng TV or magbasa kesa sa lumabas.  Kung lalabas man ako, gusto ko sa may nature.  Park, beach, ganyan.  Kaso nga lang, ang init.  Ayoko ng mainit kasi nakakaagnas ng balat.  Hindi naman sa ayokong umitim kasi maitim na ako to begin with (wala ng pag-asang pumuti pa.  I remember the last time I went home to the Philippines, may nag-offer sa akin ng promo na i-IV gluta ako.  Naitiman siguro sa akin.  Hahaha, sabi ko, no thank you. Masaya ako sa kulay ko.  Low maintenance.)  Nakaka-asar lang yung init talaga, parang out of this world- impyernish kumbaga.  Sign na naman ng tumatanda siguro ‘yung low tolerance to heat.  Kasi parang any moment madedehydrate ka.  ‘Yung tipong ang isang pawis na papatak sa noo mo ay dapat palitan ng tubig na sing dami ng swimming pool.  Swero please.     

 

Sa birthday ko, 43 na yata ako.  Sorry but I stopped counting the exact dates, years, decades.  Kasi nakaka-stress drilon slash quesada mag-isip kung ilang kalendaryo na ang pinagdaanan ko.  Buti na lang digital na kalendaryo ngayon  (pero ang nanay ko, mahilig pa ring kumolekta ng mga libreng calendars from tindahan at simbahan).  Basta malapit na ako sa mid ‘40s’s.  Feeling ko nalagpasan ko na ang midlife crisis kasi maaga ko pinagdinaanan ‘yun.  Hopefully I am done with that phase.  Ang nakakainis lang:  my body is reminding me that I am really getting old.  It is inevitable, unfortunately.  Ang hirap ng mag squat sa sahig.  Nakakahingal ng umakyat sa hagdan.  Nalilimutan ko na din ko saan ko inilapag ‘yung salamin ko.  At ang salamin ko ay doble vista na.  Na-shock ako sa sarili ko, ng isang araw na lang, tingnggal ko ang aking salamin, para basahin ang nakasulat sa isang piraso ng papel.  Shet. Yun lang ang nasabi ko. 

 

Anyway, I will leave you be.  Kailangan ko pa magkulay ng buhok e. 

 

September 8, 2021