Chisme!

Who doesn’t like a good gossip?  The cheesy and juicy ones.  At one point in our lives, I am pretty sure, that we have talked about somebody behind their backs because basically, it is not about us.  I wonder what it is about gossip that make a story so salacious and so worthy of sharing that it overlooks friendship, respect or even common sense just to tell a tale that is not as old as time- like it is not meant to be bottled up inside but rather, everyone has to partake in the consumption of a fable?  Is it primarily because the story does not involve ourselves?  Is it because we want to be the first to broadcast the event that transpired?  Or is it just the sheer thought of knowing something so scandalous you just need to verbalize it to anyone you randomly pick from a line of people waiting to check out at the cash register?  

  

I must admit, that I have casually messaged my friends back home to ask, “Anong balita?” which literally translates to “What’s the news?” which can sometimes be misconstrued as “What’s the gossip?” (or in swardspeak, “What’s the T?”).  But then, as I grew older, I think whatever story I might chance upon becomes redundant.  So what, if this girl got pregnant?  She is a woman- and it is but natural to have a human being grow inside her.  So what if so and so live together?  Nowadays, it so normal to have people share the same home even if they are not wed.  Wouldn’t you rather know someone better before committing yourself to a binding-marriage only to realize that your partner has scabies, or just happens to be a lazy ass bum who can only pick up a remote control as a form of exercise?  At least you don’t have to worry about going through a messy divorce just to wash off those dead epidermis off your body.   Then again, these are just my views.  But my views are beside the point here. 

And if you hear the same stories over and over and over again, doesn’t it make you tired?  When a news is no longer “new”, how can it be exciting? 

 

But there are those that still thrive in gossip.  Sometimes it is easy to detect them from a mile away.  And sometimes it is closer to home than what you actually think.  Let me count the ways. 

 

The Non-Existent Gossip

A story can be very trivial to one person but becomes gossip-worthy to someone.  The above scenarios as examples.  If a person makes a big deal out of something that is not really worth your time, because number one, it is a common fact and number two, you really don’t care , then your tsimosa radar should be buzzing at full scale. 

The best response to burst a tsimosa’s bubble is one word: “So?”  But I think it is better put in a Tagalog sentence but coined in one word- “Wenonamangayon?”

 

Bureau of Fisheries and Aquatic Resources

I should know this one because I used to head this department.  When I was back working in the Philippines, my friends and I were great at stalking people-either through the internet, social media (Friendster at the time) by luck or through plain-old stalking people, literally.  I did this to know information about someone else’s die-hard crush because she wanted to know more about this guy “to make sure that he was not, uhm you know, a nut-case”.  That was her excuse, in a way, a good one.  Why would you pick a serial killer as a life partner?  You’ll just end up in (heartbroken) pieces.  

We became good at fishing for information and doing research with limited resources that we almost registered our friendship as a legit corporation at the Philippine Stock Exchange. 

There are also people that will go out of their ways to learn something about someone else’s life.  Now that Facebook is around and anyone can tag anybody and check in at any location, stalking is made easy.  Especially for those with a lot of time in their hands or for those that are just plain nosy.  We can all be guilty of this fact because that’s what Facebook is for- stalking.  But let’s rephrase that in a more subdued way as fishing for facts.  However, you can put fishing at an elevated level of “gossipdom”- by actually googling what kind of place your friend checked in to, and stalking the other people you are tagged with, together with their other friends, interests, addresses, social security number, blood type or even their favorite shade of eyeshadow.  I know this for a fact because somebody did this to me. 

I was innocently dining out in with some friends in one of the cities at the Great Lakes only to find out that I have been stalked a thousand miles away and someone already knew what I had for dinner that night, what drink I was being drunk on, what kind of smell my pee was after having that asparagus as a side dish down to the tiniest detail on how I was conceived on this earth.  (Okay, okay, I am exaggerating a little). How did I know? Don’t ask. 

But let’s face it.  I still Facebook-stalk people from time to time.  Admit it, you do too.     

 

Scooper

Of course the tsismoso in me will want to broadcast the news before anybody else can.  It will be a smear in my skill of reportage if I am not the first to break in the story that so- and so- is gay.  Gasp!  Even though it is pretty much obvious and no one is blind as a bat when it comes to that fact.  The important thing is: I confirmed it first. 

This is the reason why Ricky Lo has made a name for himself because he is usually the first one to crack the news even before the news knew that it was there.  

Then there are also the subtle scoops that needed broadcasting- like announcing the engagement of someone, or if this person is having a baby boy, a baby girl or a crustacean.  Or you can also be that human obituary wherein you will be the very first to profess you condolences to someone’s family on a social media post, complete with information of the burol and libing just to announce your (first) presence in that someone’s wall or you are the first to share it in your Facebook group (of tsimososa).  It’s the restrained way of announcing that: “I was here first”.   

 

Hush

So when somebody starts a conversation with the words, “Huwag kang maingay, atin lang to pero…” (“Be quiet, this is just between us, but…”), then something is about to go down dirty and that something is a fact known not between the two of you, but probably by a an entire population within a ten-mile radius and you are the last one to know. Unfortunately.  

But you should consider yourself lucky because you have been singled-out, “apparently”, by that person telling the tale- to be bestowed of this exciting news bite; however, you are bound to secrecy not to tell the rumor to another person, only to find out that you are not really singled-out, because other people have also been singled-out (like yourself) not to tell the same gossip.   

I think the purpose of the story-teller is not really to tell the story but to have it known that she knew it first, hence, scooper.    

 

News Blackout

Now a true tsismoso will definitely feel hurt if he will not get the scoop.  And for sure he will be devastated if he is the last one to know.  He deserves this rumor, damnit, so give it to him!

 I remember, back in college, someone did a social experiment how fast a rumor could spread.  Coincidentally, we also learned who among our classmates could be trusted.  Which led to the conclusions that a) it would take about a week or two before the whole graduating class would learn about the rumor and b) all of us could not be trusted with a password to the faculty vault of test 

questions.    

This happened during our internship days and all of us were spread out in the entire city, neighboring towns and some distant caves, and our only form of communication were sporadic cellphones here and there (not everyone had one, at the time) and the weekly meetings that happened every Saturday for a general assembly.  

One person spread a rumor about so and so being pregnant (of course, with her consent) and the deed happened during the internship period.  I forgot the details but I picked up the story about five days into its inception.  According to the legend, only one person was told of the story, which did not start in the typical style of, “Once upon a time” but rather in that usual, “Be quiet, but I know something…”

Of course, so and so’s pregnancy turned out to be a complete hoax.  All of us thought she was.  I think, even the faculty.  Until the gossip was debunked with a live exclusive interview with Boy Abunda in The Buzz.  

Lamentations and Commentations

The reason why the website Fashion Pulis thrives is the comments.  People love to read comments.  Sometimes, the comments are more worthy of your time than the actual article itself because they are so entertaining you can actually sit down with a popcorn and enjoy reading them for hours.  And in the comments is where you can find the legit rumor-mongers, mixed with the trolls, bots, fake news-spreaders, those who have no idea what they are talking about and those who are so witty and smart you’d think they were the valedictorians of their class.

Sometimes the banter between the commenters are so riveting it even makes a good entertainment than sit for two hours torturing yourself to a Vice Ganda movie because the former has better plot and spoiler of an ending.  

 Fake Concern

One time, I was asked by someone how I was doing after I went through a personal struggle.  I fell for this trick- I poured my heart out just to vent about a lot of things, only to learn that I was a victim of a scam.  I was being fished for information, at my own expense.  So much for the pretentious show of love.  He just wanted to have a first-hand information, straight from the horse’s mouth.  This is called the “I Told You So” Experience, so that he can tell on someone that “I told you so, I was right” hence the “Be Quiet” Phenomenon could have closure.    

Which leads me to the next topic…

Asking the Obvious

I was reading an article at a Filipino website on celebrity gossip, making assumptions about two single people as having a relationship because they were spotted together on a vacation in another country.  The reporter had to ask one of the celebrities if they were dating at all, which is a ludicrous question, because all the signs pointed to the affirmative.  

I wonder why do you have to ask when is someone going to get married, and you have to point out that she is close to her menopause and she should get hitched  ASAP so she can have babies,  when at the back of your mind you know that she is a lesbian?  

And why do you have to ask a couple the most insensitive question of when are they planning to have kids, when you know that you are implying something else?  

Thank you. 

Again, because it refers back to the above point that we need confirmation from the source to make a rumor a legit news.  And that the tsimosa is a bonifide reporter.  

There is a movie with Jodi Sta. Maria that has a scene when she is asked by the elders of her family when is she planning to get married because she is apparently “old”.  And poor Jodi’s character, she is being questioned almost all the time by random distant relatives over and over again.  To her frustration, she blurts out an answer that made me stand up from my chair and give her a resounding applause:  “E kayo po, kelan kayo mamatay?  Para maka-attend naman ako ng burol n’yo?”  (“How about you, when are you going to die? So I can attend your funeral?”)

I think being a tsismosa o tsismoso is cultural.  We are boxed in certain stereotypes-expected to act this way or that, or projected to become a particular somebody in our future life- that when we deviate to what was assigned or expected of us, people get frazzled.  And people cope with it by pointing out the “mistake” of deviating from the norm.  Perhaps to correct our lapses in judgment? Or maybe to point out that they are better than us because we are wrong? 

Conforming to the norm is so unexciting.  Sometimes, it is more fun to shock others and see what their reaction is going to be.  I think it is really worth the trouble of causing so much stir that for a brief moment, you steal the spotlight from the tsismosa and have it for yourself.  The fact that she spends time talking about you makes you important to her.  It is also satisfying not to return the favor on spreading another rumor on the tsimosa because it is a such waste of energy and brain cells.  I think people are smart enough to know the difference.  

The best response to a scooper who is trying to extract a juicy rumor out of me will be a forwarded text message I received a few years ago:  

“Would you like to invest in my life?  Because right now, I think it’s none of your business.” 

If you ask me, a gossip is just the same as any normal information you would pick up on Twitter or whatever available social media there is.  It only becomes exciting because someone makes it as one. Unless of course the story will involve a giant clam swallowing a baby with scales, born out of wedlock because the mother had an affair, during her internship, to a random serial-killer with scabies on his way to a drag queen convention in one of the Cities in the Great Lakes area- now that is one gossip worth sharing because it is so ridiculous it could have been real. 

August 15, 2020